Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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