Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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