Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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