I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
