Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
