And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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