he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
