but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
