I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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