the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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