I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
