It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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