I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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