Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
