Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
