The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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