It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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