3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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