I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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