You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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