Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
