how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
