and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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