we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
