i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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