so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
