how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am naked and annoyed.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
