I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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