That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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