im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
