My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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