Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
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He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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