Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
