So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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