Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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