the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
