if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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