ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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