Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sorry about my life...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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