Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
