i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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