Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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