They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
