I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
