This is not my ceiling
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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