youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
