you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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