I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We are two peas in an std pod
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
