Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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