she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
my liver is dry heaving
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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