If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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