i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
