party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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