Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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