I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
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I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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