sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
