Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
