i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we're making bets on your personal life
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
