I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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