You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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