the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
whose parrot is this?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
