i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
