no, he came in my armpit
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
