Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
