i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
